Tuesday, 10 July 2012

A mother's fresh start...

Burnout. Motherhood burnout. Have you ever experienced it? I sure did. Not even three years ago the warning signs came loud and clear. Anger, excessive anger and bitterness. And because of it I behaved quite badly. Not that I would have ever wanted to admit to it. Have you ever blamed your father or your mother for your miserable past or made your husband and your kids responsible for the problems in your stressful everyday life? I did all of that too. Burdened by guilt and shame, I felt like a worm most of my life, unwanted, insignificant and unappreciated. The pain of it all could at times be overwhelming so I tried to prove my worth in order to find favour and feel better about myself. As long as I stayed busy working and achieving many things, I felt good. But when motherhood came my way, boy was I forced into far too many quiet times for my liking! The first couple of years went by and I didn’t mind slowing down the pace a little bit, but as the years have gone by I figured that being at home with little children is kind of like driving a Ferrari...at walking speed for a thousand miles! Now always at home and attempting to be a good wife and mother, feelings of shame and worthlessness, all somehow linked to my childhood, returned in full force. Being a mother reminded me of what I tried to forget, that I was rejected by my father and neglected by my mother and still am. Then, at the height of my frustration, I walked through the dark valley of breast cancer and with the help of doctors and through many quiet times God gently healed me, completely. He is currently restoring my mind, piece by piece...making whole what was shattered in the past and restoring everything that is still broken inside. Having received and believed God’s promises I now slowly understand, that I am no longer a worm, unaware of the beauty inside of me, but about to be transformed into a BUTTERFLY! Throughout this process Jesus was and is my only hope, my example and my strength and on the pages of this blog I would like to make my little contribution, to share with you the incredible pictures God lays on my heart. Pictures that help me understand the difficult moments in life. Perhaps you need some comfort too or just some company for today? Perhaps in this somewhat unconventional way of me sharing some thoughts with you, we could meet Jesus together? Because one thing I know for sure…once you meet Him, everything changes. He gives us comfort and He keeps us company when everyone else fails to show up. So, keep on checking in with me and I will try my best to make you understand, that you are loved and in the Father’s kingdom ALL worms turn into butterflies!

This Scripture was written by David, a man and a warrior, and at the lowest point of my early years of motherhood, it became so very real to me: 

6 A hostile world! I call to God,
      I cry to God to help me.
   From his palace he hears my call;
      my cry brings me right into his presence—
      a private audience!

 16-19 But me he caught—reached all the way
      from sky to sea; he pulled me out
   of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos,
      the void in which I was drowning.
   They hit me when I was down,
      but God stuck by me.
   He stood me up on a wide-open field;
      I stood there saved—surprised to be loved!
 20-24 God made my life complete
      when I placed all the pieces before him.
   When I got my act together,
      he gave me a fresh start.
   Now I'm alert to God's ways;
      I don't take God for granted.
   Every day I review the ways he works;
      I try not to miss a trick.
   I feel put back together,
      and I'm watching my step.
   God rewrote the text of my life
      when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.


(Psalm 18:6,16-24 MSG)

And if he put me back together...then He will do the same for you
I wish you a week full of little miracles! 



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